Don’t set the bar-low

photo illustration: Sarah Andrews

As the holidays draw near and my veins slowly fill with hot cocoa, I am faced with a dilemma. A dilemma that comes every year but I am still unprepared for—holiday gift-giving. The idea seems simple: buy a gift for loved ones and receive their thankfulness in the form of hugs. On paper it is brilliant, but in reality, gift-giving is a nightmare. I wrote this column as a comprehensive guide to all things gift-giving, because I know a thing or two about the subject. I know not everyone celebrates Christmas, but this guide should work for every occasion in which gift-giving is customary.*

The first question that anyone needs to ask is: Who deserves a gift? Should you buy a gift for your neighbor? Your best friend? Your mother? One thing I like to do is make a personalized naughty-and-nice list. For example, if your friend doesn’t let you borrow his corduroy pants, he is on the naughty list. If your grandmother calls you by your older brother’s name: naughty list. If someone ends poverty: nice list. I have to admit that it is not always clear-cut. For example, your roommate might have eaten your chicken salad, but then he got hospitalized for food poisoning. Did he eat your food or save your life? Sometimes there are only questions but no definite answer.

photo illustration: Sarah Andrews

Then you need to ask how much should you spend. This is largely dependant on how much money you have. If you only have $20, don’t buy $30 worth of presents (unless you have a credit card.) If you are short on money, the only time it is acceptable to make a homemade gift is if you are under the age of six. Otherwise you must purchase something from a store. One thing that many people forget to factor in: what this person got you last year. If they bought you socks, then buy a gift in the $5-$10 range. Hair care products merit $20-$30 gifts; happiness, $40 gifts. Remember, no matter what you buy, they have no choice but to love it. As the saying goes: It is the thought that counts.

Now onto the hardest part—what to buy? Some stupid people would suggest following the lists of what people want. People often tell me what they want for Christmas and I know exactly what they are trying to do—make me look like an idiot. They want to show that they have power over me; power to make me go out and buy “what they actually want.” Sorry losers, I’m not going to fall for that old trick. Here are the rules that I shop by:

Rule 1: Always include a picture of yourself (and here’s the important part) in a frame. Everyone is really happy when I give away pictures of myself. They always say, “Joe, you really shouldn’t have.” They usually pretend to be disappointed, but I know that they are grateful on the inside. Frames are key to include because then they have no excuse not to hang it up or put it on the mantel. I like to include action shots including me shirtless on a horse, me shirtless on a boat or me shirtless at a car wash. Any of these will work. (If you are feeling really generous, you could even Photoshop your head onto an exotic animal like a giraffe or a turtle. I gave my dental hygienist a picture of my head on the body of a dragon. She tells me it is prominently displayed in her mudroom.)

Rule 2: Try to buy something that you will also enjoy doing/using. Do you need a new racquetball partner? Does your band need a tambourine player? Are puppies fun to play with, but too much trouble to actually own? These are all great gifts for people who are close to you. Also, feel free to include a note mentioning that your band needs a tambourine player, even if you don’t give them a tambourine. They may be interested anyway.

photo illustration: Sarah Andrews

Rule 3: Know the stereotypes. It is a fact of life that every year dads receive neckties or mugs. Why? Because dads are either at work or drinking hot liquids. That’s it. Mugs and ties are great because you can get them personalized. Suppose your dad is a fan of sports. It is perfect (and totally thoughtful) if you get him a tie with balls on it. It doesn’t matter what you buy, your dad will love it. I know for a fact that many of the ties I have purchased for my dad have never even been worn, because he loves them so much. Moms are easy too—lotions and candles. Moms like smooth skin and/or burning wax. Lavender is always the best choice, even if they haven’t gotten through last year’s bottle. I have purchased so many candles through the years that I am pretty sure our smoke detector is broken from all the lavender. For a brother, I suggest a nice cap. Brothers love wearing caps, especially if something they like is displayed on the front. That’s why I give my brother a hat with my face embroidered on it. The added expense of getting a custom hat is worth it, knowing that my brother has my face above his head when he hangs out with his cooler, more attractive friends. I don’t have a sister, but I know exactly what they like. Younger sisters love pink things, especially unicorns. I recommend a pencil and notebook set. Older sisters want a good man in their lives. That’s why I recommend giving sisters my phone number and perhaps a framed picture of me as a muscular centaur.

photo illustration: Sarah Andrews

So that’s it. I know that I have given you all the tools that you need to become a successful gift-giver. If all else fails, write a column for your school newspaper and dedicate it to your friends and family.** Then you don’t have to buy any gifts for anybody! Suck it, Santa.

* Except weddings. Just buy a toaster.

** This column is for my loving family and friends. Merry Christmas!

Barlow is a senior broadcast news major and can be contacted at joseph.barlow@drake.edu.