I was recently asked to write a reoccurring column for The Times-Delphic. At first, I was excited by the idea. I could express anger about politics, give useful gambling tips or offer explicit sexual advice. I appreciate the opportunity, but, sorry, the answer is a no. To soften the blow, I have compiled a short list of reasons why I will not be writing this column.

Reason one: Print journalism is dead.* I apologize to any newspaper or magazine majors, but you chose the wrong major. Majoring in newspapers is like majoring in floppy disks, disco music or history. It’s over. Hey, I got an idea! How about we make people pay for newspapers, but have the articles online for free? Sounds like a goldmine.

Reason two: I already have an outlet to express myself. Every two weeks there is a brand new episode of the Emmy-nominated “Words with Joe Barlow.” On Saturdays at 6 p.m., on The College Channel 16, I get a full half hour to do whatever I want. I can complain about Spike’s nutrition information or why the drinking age should be lowered to 14. I am the executive producer, host and writer. No managing editors or censorship there, baby. Then the episodes go onto www.vimeo.com/channels/words to be shared and enjoyed by all. People in China and Tucson have accessed the show (before the Chinese government blocked the show for “indecency”).

Reason three: I don’t feel like it.

Reason four: I don’t like AP style. The Associated Press needs to stop forcing its Naziesque grammar agenda down our throats. I want to decide when to use the abbreviation IRIS when talking about the Ivanhoe Reading Intervention Scheme, or if I should spell out Doctor Rubenstein instead of Dr. Rubenstein. Quite frankly, I would prefer to write in romance novel style. For example: His strong, tanned arms gripped the pen, with its ink juices flowing like a cat in a sewer drain. He knew all eyes were on him as he gracefully brought it down, making love to the paper gently, yet also forcefully. Pen and paper became one in an orgy of wetness and blue-colored ink. He moaned contentedly as he finished, satisfied and hopeful of his next encounter. And so the stimulus plan was born.

Reason five: Newspapers are destroying the rainforest. Ever since I learned that chicks like guys who save the planet, I have fought on behalf of Mother Nature. Sure, it would be easy to let newspapers become bigger and bigger, destroying ecosystems and killing jungle frogs, but I am single. I need women to think that I am passionate about stuff. ’Nuff said.

Reason six: I’m not a sellout. You may not know this, but The Times-Delphic pays $15 for each article that you write. We all know the old French Proverb that says, “The greatest evidence of demoralization is the respect paid to wealth.” The Times-Delphic is trying to turn its staff into demoralized sellouts. I refuse to become a sellout. Writing for money is like prostitution, in my view. I would much rather have my writings be considered gifts to humanity or works of art instead of being a Times-Delphic prostitute.**

Reason seven: Font issues. Sure, “writing style” and “content” are good ways to express your written voice, but I need a font to enhance that voice. My signature font is Burning Wrath Bold. It provides the manliness and sensitive subtleties that are apparent in my writing.

Reason eight: Journalistic integrity. I don’t know what that is.

Well, I think that sums up why I will not be writing a column. I look forward to writing my next column.

* I think I read this in “The New York Times.”

** This does not apply if someone offers me a book deal.

Barlow is a senior broadcast news major and can be contacted at joseph.barlow@drake.edu.